we love rage

After baby Rage was born, I came home to a very cute and peculiar sign. It was hung on the wall above our television. 

It read..."we love rage". 

rage's room -- still under construction...
we've hung the sign in the window for now.

A few words we never thought we'd put together. But as the sign reads, we do LOVE Rage. He's the sweetest little man and ironically dons the name that the dictionary describes as intense anger. I always smirk a little inside when someone asks me his name... because I know in a few seconds that person will inevitably crinkle their forehead and ask me to tell them again. They obviously couldn't have heard me right...[ha]. 

My baby is growing fast, a little too fast for this momma. I haven't been keeping up posting his stats very well... so this post will be all encompassing :) 

ONE WEEK OLD

height: 21" 56%ile | weight: 7lbs 14oz 56%ile

ONE MONTH OLD

height: 22"  | weight: 8lbs 15oz 

enjoying his stay at the Hyatt
while Daddy is under the knife

hmmmm...I wonder if anyone's noticed
how dashing I am in this tie?

i've got my eye on you...

2 MONTHS OLD 

height: 22.5" 26%ile | weight: 13lbs 67%ile

chunky monkey

white sox man

3 MONTHS OLD

I'm not sad...I promise.
I'm just well fed and oober relaxed.

being stylish in clothes from auntie jenny

And here's some brotherly love...can you say melt my heart? 
And please don't mind the piles of laundry in the background...this is REAL life baby :)

practicing his kickboxing

brother love 
♥

with all our might

We've really been enjoying our new house. And by "new", I mean new to US. According to the deed, it was built in 1889. That was a loooong time ago. It's obviously been renovated a time or two, not a whole lot of the original character remains. But that's ok with us. We have a vision for this place. It's going to be a slow "go" getting there, but we have nothing but time, right?

I was thinking about that yesterday as I was painting the baby's room. Yes, Rage's room is still not done...[sigh]. I was thinking about years past, about the other families and little people that called this old farmhouse home. How many times have these walls been made fresh with new paint? Did the mom have to keep stopping to hold a baby or help find a wooden train piece or yell at the top of her lungs for her kids to quit fighting...all the while standing on a toddler play chair to reach the high spots? Oh, if these walls could talk, right? Maybe this Momma would learn a thing or two from the stories that once lived here.

all 3 babes...playing in the crib
as momma paints chevrons galore

I don't know if it was the praise music that got my heart deep thinking or maybe I was high on fumes, but I was really having a moment up there in that room. Until that point I had been feeling the weight [like i always do in some way] of getting things done. Needing to get that room painted so I could move on to my next slew of projects. You know, like painting the kitchen, updating some lamps, making a few beaded chandeliers for friends...[and the list goes on]. Not to mention just the normal chaos of dishes and laundry and starving kids and the never ending trickle of toys that make their way down the stairs. There are just so many things to get done and keep up with around here. Sometimes I get lost in the getting it done...or the desire to have it all picture perfect and put away.

As my brush stroked those walls, the words etched on my rubber bracelet echoed in my mind, the one our Pastor gave me while my husband was on life support... 

"Resolved, to live with all my might, while I do live."  Jonathon Edwards 1722 

to live with all my might... What does that really mean for me, for my life HERE in this house full of messes. Does it mean working away the moments so the picture perfect painting of our life, our home, is complete...and to what end? I don't think I want to spend all of my might on meaningless tasks for nothing more than appearances. Not that taking care of my home and my life doesn't need to be done [don't worry babe, I'm not giving up on house cleaning]. And at that...done to the glory of God. It DOES...there's no question about that. I'm thinking more about my heart and mind and my motives as I do these things. Like what really matters here...and why do I feel the need to get it all done. If I scream and yell and am irritated to the core as I rush to paint this life of mine...that is not to the glory of God. And it's not getting it done, not really, not at all. 

while I do live... One thing that occurred to me yesterday as I slung the paint on the walls is that these colors, really only last for a time. A very short time. Literally and figuratively. Someone else will live in this house one day. Someone else will repaint these walls for their child or play room or some grand design endeavor of their own. These chevrons that I'm tirelessly painting and perfecting...they'll be painted over. Hmmm. This is just a house. These are just walls. Perspective. 

"As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place is remembered no more." Psalm 103:15-16

And not to be morbid, but ME and mine...we will be long gone at some point. And everyone we know will pass too, eventually. New people will take our spots...new lives will be having their time in this world...living those days ordained...times written and seen before they came to be. It's like my mind zoomed out for a few minutes to His vantage point and looked at the shortness of our time. I've read that we see things linear...on a timeline of minutes and days and years. But God sees the whole picture, our beginning, our end...all beginnings and all ends. What a perspective that is. To see life as He does. To keep my eyes on Him as I live this day. For those few minutes, I wasn't drowning in my tasks...but finding contentment in the time I've been given to paint these walls...this canvas of my life. 

I think when I see life thru the world's view, I grasp for time, for things, for a perfect picture, and I hold them so close. I cling tight and I drown in them. But when I step back and remember that we are grass...I am grass...made of dust...made with a purpose...my heart shifts. Let's go. And I don't have to get it all done. I never will. There will always be more dishes to do, more projects to get done. But this one single day...with all it's tasks...I can live fully, with all my might. 

So for a few days, until I get lost in the mess again, I walk at a different pace, with a full heart...and I paint.

a photo from earlier this year...after Derek got out of the hospital the first time
living the simple. driving dad's truck thru our woods. 

tire swings.
a MUST do today.

To live fully. With all our might. Great idea, Jonathon Edwards.  

transfer

I was reading this morning and came across Psalm 143:8 -- "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul."

I was thinking how I want this verse to mean as much to me NOW as it did four months ago. I still want us to depend on Him and seek His direction each and every day. I don't want to just wake up and throw on my shoes and go at this day like it's mine alone. I want to start it with Him in mind, seeing what He has in store. After all, God's not just walking beside us when life is tough. He's always there...[that's what I've learned]...orchestrating the day for our good and with real purpose. So that's my prayer for my family... that our eyes and our hearts and our plans would be open to what God has for us. He has purpose for us in each day... [even this one].

Over the last week or so my heart has been reliving those days before Derek's hospital transfer. A few posts ago [all things good] I mentioned a little bit about the weight of it all ... and ever since I can't seem to shake it.

Back in January I was faced with one of the biggest decisions I would ever have to make in this life. It sounds sort of over the top to use those words... but after sitting here and thinking about all this... that's actually a true statement. I've never had to make a decision that could ultimately lead to someone I love living or dying. But there I was, making decisions and having conversations on behalf of my husband who could no longer speak or act on his own... How do you transfer a man to a whole other hospital and team when he's basically dying right in front of you? There were so many doctors working to keep him alive at that point...running tests, asking questions, maintaining the machines that were sustaining him. It was like every second counted. How could I risk packing him up and sending him off? That felt like starting over. The thought of transferring him seemed too big, too dangerous and wasn't something I thought necessary. He seemed "safe" where he was. I needed safe.

I think when I was there in that moment, trying to walk thru those minutes, all I could do was process what was right in front of me. Doctors...nurses...all of the tubes and machines...watching his body struggle and the numbers go up and down. The first few times people mentioned transferring Derek, I just wasn't ready to hear it. It was like there was a road block in my mind and I just could not go there. What was going on right before my eyes was hard enough to digest on it's own. And I trusted our doctors. I had heard from quite a few people how great one of his doctors was...and they were all so forthcoming and available to us. I never once questioned whether he was in good hands. I knew he was. I decided however, that no matter what I thought was best, I would give it some serious prayer and consideration...and start asking some hard questions. I knew that I was responsible for Derek, and I didn't want fear or anything else to stand in the way of what was best for him.

So I asked those questions. You know, the hard ones. I started cornering the doctors and asking about things that most people probably don't want to hear about. Like was Derek going to die in a few days or weeks if things kept progressing as they were. It was obvious he was on a downward slope at that point, and I needed real answers. I had to be prepared...I was pregnant...there were two little ones that needed me to keep it together. I couldn't have the rug pulled out from underneath me in a day or two if he did die. I had to know what the possibilities were, whether good or bad. 

The answers I was getting from the doctors were also not positive by any means. I kept hearing doctor upon doctor use the words "very very very sick"...and I'm not exaggerating. I heard it multiple times a day from different doctors...[very very very]. I think they were trying to prepare me for the worst. I feel like doctors typically are trying to keep people from overreacting; like they want to reassure you everything is going to be fine...not to worry...they've got it all under control. That's at least what I expected to hear.  But no one was uttering those words. I was starting to see the writing on the wall and it just wasn't looking good. 

***

So I prayed. That very night I sat in the waiting room and asked Derek's parents and his sister to pray with me. We sat in a circle, held hands, and prayed to the Creator of the world. Pouring our hearts out to Him...together, unrehearsed, and raw. We had never done that before. [not like that]. We specifically asked for God's leading and working if Derek should be transferred. I needed to see His hand in it if I was going to take that step. I left that night confident we were staying put. No transfer.

And there it was the next morning...God's fingerprints...literally all over everything. One of Derek's doctors approached me first thing and before I knew it, we were discussing transferring him. It was like God used that doctor to get me moving; he told me exactly what I needed to hear...in just the right way AND wrapped it in faith...letting me know he was praying for Derek. There are too many details to share, really. Let's just say I had doctors and friends and pastors, all showing up at just the right time to walk me step by step thru the impossible. And as the doctor went to make a few phone calls to see if any beds were even available in Chicago to transfer him to, I had a group of people praying in the waiting room. I still wasn't sure how to flip the switch and say yes...I didn't want to make a wrong decision. I was so afraid I would choose the wrong one and he would die.

So I went to Derek's side and played the song that was on repeat in my heart...the one my heart broke to every morning in the shower...that I would pray and sing and bawl my eyes out to. "Whom Shall I Fear...(God of angel armies)" by Chris Tomlin. I probably sang that song to Derek a hundred times without him even knowing it. It gave me hope and strength. 

[see lyrics below...they still give me chills]. 

You hear me when I call

You are my morning song

Though darkness fills the night

It cannot hide the light

Whom shall I fear???

You crush the enemy
Underneath my feet
You are my sword and shield
Though troubles linger still

Whom shall I fear???

I know who goes before me

I know who stands behind

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever

He is a friend of mine

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side 

And nothing formed against me shall stand

You hold the whole world in Your hands

I'm holding on to Your promises

You are faithful...You are faithful

I would whisper in Derek's ear while he was unconscious that the God of angel armies was there in that room with us...that the room was crowded with angels ready to go to war on his behalf. We had NOTHING to fear. We stood shoulder to shoulder with an invisible army and God himself. 

It was actually this song that gave me the answer I needed at that moment too. As I read those lyrics to Derek, I realized that this God who goes before me...who stands behind...He would be with us wherever we went. If we stayed. If we went. HE goes before, HE stands behind, and HE would be right there by our side. I couldn't make a decision that would not involve Him sustaining and seeing Derek thru. And there it was... my answer.  I could do this because God... the one who reigns forever... would go with us or stay with us. I couldn't send him anywhere his God would not be. ! Right then I prayed... so thankful for the certainty... and broken and humbled that I never saw this before.

And as soon as I lifted my head from praying... literally within a minute... the phone rang at the nurses station and the nurse said I had a phone call. It was the doctor calling to tell me there was a room available at Northwestern for Derek... He wanted to know if I wanted it. I could finally say YES.

***

One of the craziest parts of this story is that I wasn't asked to transfer Derek until I had the answer. I wasn't offered a bed five minutes before or two days before...I wasn't offered until the indecision and the fear was gone. Until God showed me that He was in every bit of it. I'm still amazed how that day played out. And I'm so thankful that God spared me the weight of that decision before I was ready. Talk about going before... :)

I've decided to share a few photos of the big event. Mainly because this moment for us was mind blowing... life changing... and believe it or not, God even threw in a dream come true. Derek always wanted to fly in a helicopter. I guess he got his wish [although unconscious... lol]. 

I made sure someone got some pics so we could prove it to him.

his fabulous flight crew 
packing him up like a giant burrito

almost ready to go...
just him and a room full of angels :)

his dad on the left...making sure his boy is ok

and there it is...PROOF
you're actually on that babe!

care bear stare

I love this picture... it perfectly captures Easter for us this year. 

It was an absolutely beautiful day, full of everything we needed it to be. First and foremost, we celebrated Jesus -- and to be honest -- I could totally stop there. That alone is enough to make it a perfect day. I woke up this morning singing "Give me Jesus" (by Jeremy Camp)... it's still ringing in my ears actually. Sort of fitting I guess now that I'm blogging about Easter. I love this song though. Because really...

"GIVE ME JESUS. You can have, ALL this world. Just give me Jesus." 

But as always, our God gives us more than we need or deserve. He gives us MORE. Because I guess he could have just stopped at Jesus too, right? But that's not his style. Above and beyond...HE sort of owns that phrase. Just like it says in Romans 8:32 "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" God is so good to us. It makes my heart scream sometimes. Like a care bear stare... remember those? My heart throwing all it has back to God. Screaming joy and praise and thanks that we get all THIS.

This day of amazing fellowship and food [as always at Janel's]...an easter egg hunt with lots of crazy kids...sunshine GALORE...some kite flying...mimosas [yummo]...and of course the big one -- the fact that we all made it there alive. Yep, totally a day full of everything we needed it to be. 

And THIS picture, oh another reason for my heart to scream. The sweetest little girl I know, plopped down on the ground, showing her Daddy how great she is at kite flying. 

Then of course, there's this little guy. He might not be very good at kite flying quite yet...but he has other important things to show his Daddy. Like the coolest hiding spots for eggs. Or Mr. Pirate Egg. All important things, right? :)

 

And baby Rage? He did what babies do best. Slept...like all day :)

We did manage to have a little excitement that day as well. Our besties stopped by in their hilarious ride just in time to save the day (farmer style, of course). See the pics below of the sad kite stuck in the tree and the obvious answer... There's seriously never a dull moment when you're a part of this clan :)

It feels good looking back at this day...and I give glory to God for every last bit of it. Not all days will be perfect. Today sure wasn't. I had an epic fail in a moment of frustration and snapped a little...or maybe a lot. But it's good to be able to look at the good and bad in light of each other. I feel like I need both to balance this life out and keep me looking up to Him. Some days it's all glory and honor screaming out of my heart...others it's a call for mercy and grace and maybe a request for a do-over or two.

So what is God teaching me today? I'm still putting the pieces together. But I think it has something to do with the song that I woke up singing.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wS4JQi4dgvg

  

Wherever you are, be all there

I finally got Rage's birth announcements in the mail. I decided that it was something I wanted to do since this is our last baby. I did announcements for all 3 kids...did it right for Row and mailed them, but I cheated emailed Rig's (poor middle child)! And now there's this little man... I'm afraid he's going to be spoiled. I think I'm starting to understand why people always make comments about the "baby" in the family. When it's your last one -- you HAVE to overdo things. Well, maybe you don't have to. But you better believe I'm going to give it a shot! I'm already over-achieving in the areas of snuggling and smooching on this little guy... so what's the harm in proudly mailing his mug all over the USA? 

My friend Liz stopped by when he was about 2 weeks old to take some pics for me [see below]. She really did an amazing job. Thank you my dear!!!

I have to say though, that knowing this is our last baby has definitely made an impression on me as a mom. I think that morsel, and in light of everything we've been through with Derek, I'm looking at my role of wife and mother a little differently now. Time is short, so very short. I want to do what I can to SLOW this time I've been given with these precious ones. To take the days and moments that are before me and really live and enjoy the whole of them. 

This got me thinking and reading...and I decided to re-read one of my favorite books "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. She talks about slowing time with the weight of full attention... living fully in the moment... (all her words) and doing it by just simply opening our eyes and being thankful for the seemingly small stuff we're blind to in the every day. It's life changing to see life like this -- thru a thankful heart. Pretty awesome.

One of my many starred paragraphs in her book...

"Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me. I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing... Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away."

A thousand broken and missed things... I want those moments. I want ALL of them. I want to enjoy getting my kids ready in the morning for the day that's before us -- not by yelling at them to get dressed and brush their teeth or to hurry up and eat. Those words suck the joy out of the day and are sadly said more than I'd like to admit. So tomorrow I plan on being intentional with words spoken and time spent. I'm going to laugh and hug and pray with these little creations of God. We will not hurry. We may not make it anywhere "on time". But that's okay. I'm going to treasure my giggly slow pokes and embrace the imperfect with grace.

"Wherever you are, be all there"...

One of my most favorite quotes. Words of wisdom from Elisabeth Elliot.

all things for good

Before January of this year, I don't think Derek or I would have even batted an eye at commercials for people with diseases or medicines...or movies where people are laying in hospital beds plugged into machines with tubes all over. But now, we can't seem to escape them. There are times when we're watching tv where we'll both just stop...and look at each other and shake our heads. It's crazy what we were numb to before. Those commercials were still playing, people were still coughing up lungs on television shows...we just didn't see it or care. It's like we're looking at life thru these new eyes. It's so strange.

Like now when I hear stories of somebody being on a ventilator or in the icu or having open heart surgery... my heart does a small cartwheel. That meant nothing to me before all this. Now that I understand what it really means, what it actually involves, I truly feel for people who have been in these circumstances. Oh...you mean someone's lungs don't work and they can't breath on their own??? Someone's having open heart surgery... their chest cut open and their heart messed with??? Um, yes, those things are a big deal. Huge. But honestly I would have been stone faced hearing about either of those before all this. It's crazy what EXPERIENCE does in life. When you experience something for yourself, then and maybe only then, are you truly changed by it.

***

Back in January I was faced with one of the biggest decisions I would ever have to make in this life. It sounds sort of over the top to use those words... but after sitting here and thinking about all this... that's actually a true statement. I've never had to make a decision that could ultimately lead to someone I love living or dying. But there I was, making decisions and having conversations on behalf of my husband who could no longer speak or act on his own. That's why the word "ventilator" will forever mean something to me. When Derek first went into the ICU and was still breathing his own air [and struggling to] the doctor and nurses told us that our next step would be for him to be put on a ventilator. Neither of us truly understood what that meant. To us, I think it was just another means of helping him to get air. They explained he'd be heavily sedated until his breathing was stronger...he had to sign a paper...I had to leave the room while they put a tube in his throat. I thought the ventilator was something people went on for a few hours. I did not understand the severity of the situation. His lungs were shutting down, his organs also were. His body was dying. It's funny how clueless we both were at that moment. The situation still did not seem serious. A few hours later of course, I realized what was actually happening. I walked into the room and saw him lying there with tubes all over, unconscious, with his chest going up and down mechanically. I could no longer communicate with him. I was all of the sudden alone...and speaking for the both of us. It was a surreal moment.

***

Within a few days a couple people had mentioned the word "transfer" to me in regards to Derek... another word that actually means something to me now. How do you transfer a man to a whole other hospital and team when he's basically dying right in front of you? There were so many doctors working to keep him alive at that point...running tests, asking questions, maintaining the machines that were sustaining him. It was like every second counted. How could I risk packing him up and sending him off? That felt like starting over. The thought of transferring him seemed too big, too dangerous and wasn't something I thought necessary. He seemed "safe" where he was. I needed safe.

At that point Derek was not doing well though -- at all. It was horrifying to watch really. He was unconscious mostly, but he was also very hard to keep sedated properly. He kept sitting up and attempting to pull out the tubes and struggling to free himself from the very things that were keeping him alive. Again, horrifying. To have to talk him down and attempt to calm him...I can't even explain it. I felt helpless. I was scared of him at first to be honest...especially when he would struggle like that. I remember after one big episode I sort of retreated to the back of his room...and just sat there and cried. I was afraid to touch him, to go to him. It was like it wasn't even him. I was torn. I didn't know how to get thru to him...to be a comfort to him...to be strong for him. But in that moment, cowering in that chair, I felt a boldness well up within me -- I got up, grabbed my bible and went right up to him and started reading from the book of James. It was so hard to do. But somehow, I did it. With nurses watching and doctors coming in and out...to go up and stand next to my husband and read God's word out loud and stand strong for him. I felt eyes on me, I felt some judgement...but giving Derek something to grab onto in those desperate moments meant more than what people thought of me. And once I started speaking and praying over him, the situation didn't scare me anymore...he didn't scare me anymore...and everyone else just disappeared. I would play songs and sing to him or read to him from God's Word and in the middle of a freak out, he would quiet. As crazy as it sounds, God's Word literally held us together in those moments. It brought peace into a room of chaos. 

***

I came across John 13:7 while I was doing my devotions today...it's when Jesus is washing the disciples feet...and He says to them..."You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

I can't tell you how many times I've breezed right by that verse. But today, it blew my mind. So much of what we go thru in this life - those struggles and hurts - it's like Jesus is saying just that...you may not understand what I am doing right now, but later, later you will. You just need to experience this in order to fully understand what I want to teach you. He can't just explain it all to us... well He could, but sometimes words alone fall on deaf ears. But to experience it for ourselves... that really brings meaning to something.

Like in THIS struggle... our faith has been stretched further than I thought possible. But the truth of it is that we've been so blessed thru the HARD. What if we could have found out somehow that Derek had the heart issues in January? Would we trade months of turmoil for a quick fix? If given the option, ohhhh yes...we would have taken it.  None of the hard, please. But we would have missed all the blessing my friends. I guess I'm starting to really understand Romans 8:28 and how God is working ALL things for our good. Even ventilators and hospital transfers and open heart surgery. [sigh]

sweet mercies

Well here we are...it's the sixth month of 2014 [halfway thru the year already?!] and it sort of feels like we're just getting started. It's finally warm out, the kids are driving both of us CRAZY, the house is a wicked mess, and my hubby is out on the golf course as I type this. No need for alarm...he's not swinging any clubs just yet. He's more like the golf cart chauffeur at this point, driving his buddies around while they play the game. But that's okay. You see, we're SO excited to be a part of this thing called LIFE again that we'll do just about anything to take part. Even roll up alongside it in a golf cart. Like I said... [just.getting.started].

Derek's doing really well actually. He's 3 weeks out of surgery now and looking more like himself than ever. He still has a bit more recovery ahead of him, but we're expecting him to sail right thru it. He's doing more than he should [in my over-protective opinion] but who can blame him, right? He's itching to get going again. We were told by his doctors that he has a really good chance of getting back the strength and stature he had before the illness and heart surgery...which is also beyond awesome. We were expecting him to have some major restrictions as far as lifestyle and work, but it doesn't look like there will be too many issues, if any. I think my main concern at this point is keeping him alive thru this Blackhawks series [yes, it may be hockey that kills him]. The stress alone might give him a heart attack. It's freaking me out! People recovering from open heart surgery should not pump their fists and march around the living room screaming. !

I have to say I'm feeling a little warm and fuzzy today, just reminiscing about where we've been. I counted the days, and over a period of 3 1/2 months Derek spent a total of 44 of those bad boys (days) in the hospital. He went from a fever and a belly ache to a life supporting ventilator... practically overnight. Those first weeks still ROCK MY WORLD. I want to remember them -- my thoughts, my fears, my prayers. This unique road was carved into our lives and hearts [literally...eek] and I want to make sure I get some of it down on paper before time gets the best of me and I forget the weight of it all.  And oh, is it weighty :)

A few nights I can't seem to forget came right after Derek was first intibated. It's when reality set in and I came home from the hospital alone to our house for the first time without him. I realized that I might soon be telling my two little ones that their Daddy would not be coming home [ever]. Talk about crying and wailing and uncontrollable shaking. I think THAT hurt the most in the beginning of all this. I don't mean in any way that I don't have crazy love for Derek. I did then, I do now. It's just that I could lose that man and still breath... because in my heart of hearts "I got it"... he would go to GLORY with his God if he died. I would be miserable, I would be broken, but I knew I would see him again and have an eternity next to him, singing and living in praise to our God....together, forever. The end. But on the other side of that, I could not bear the hurt it would cause our kids. Those little ones, there's no way they could understand, and that literally took the breath right out of my lungs. They wanted hugs and tickles and that big daddy of theirs to wrestle with. THAT was what stretched my faith. Giving the hurt that my kids might have to face to God and letting the pieces fall where they may. The protecting love we have for our kids is overwhelming; I don't think I ever fully realized that before. I was definitely hit in the gut with that one. Thankfully a blow that I've only had a taste of and do not have to fully face at this moment in life. Such a sweet mercy for this heart of mine. Thank you Lord.

The birth of our third child and how that would play out in all this...another ginormous sweet mercy. I have to admit it turned out better than I could have imagined. Seriously... this whole thing bordered on the insane if you ask me. The pregnancy was definitely something that I had to come to terms with in the very beginning as well. It was like I could see the birth of our 3rd child before me... the joys we were expecting to share...like it being our first time to not find out the baby's sex and expectantly awaiting that good old surprise. Except all of the sudden I was preparing myself to experience that surprise "alone". That was pretty horrible. Knowing one day soon I'd be having that moment with or without him. That had some weight...let me tell ya. But I quickly handed that over to the Lord and did not allow my mind to go there again...like ever. It was like I wrote it on a piece of paper, gave it to God and completely forgot about the being pregnant part and the complications it brought to the situation. Not that I forgot, but I refused to let myself dwell on it. Tapping into those unpredictable pregnancy emotions was not something I was willing to risk. Plus, ALL of my energy and emotion was concentrated on one person... my Derek. No time for self inflicted drama!

Another song I've sang over and over...so much so that Rowan sings along and thinks it's "our song"...lol. The lyrics kill me. It's our truth. 

It's that crazy sea again, that God quiets for who...FOR US. And those fears and mountains that once stood before us...we can now see past them. And where are our eyes again? Yep, ON HIM.  Oh the words.  I LOVE THIS SONG.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uGXeJMB9Go&list=PL4bwTBPIhpR9s6rEkYFE6bwaazp7b6Mw_&index=9

IT IS WELL - KRISTIN DEMARCO (BETHEL MUSIC)

The grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name 

surgery behind us... some fabulous LIFE before us!

We have much to be thankful for today! Derek made it thru his open heart surgery like a champ... the surgeon said it went as well as it possibly could. He is in a lot of pain and has had his own pharmacist mixing him some custom cocktails (no joke). With all of he's been thru, he's somewhat immune to pain meds...so they called in the big dogs. He's doing well though, hopefully we'll be home in a week. He has some recovery ahead of him; it will be months yet until he's himself. But we'll gladly take it. We feel like this is a new start for us, and we have SO MUCH to look forward to. It's freeing really. We're on our 9th hospital room and month 4 of this madness, so bring it on. 

Truly we are all breathing a LONG and SLOW sigh of relief. This road has had it's share of peaks and valleys, and both Derek and I just weren't sure where this big surgery would land us. We absolutely believed God would see our family thru it, but we've learned that the landing spot is sometimes not what we would expect or ask for. I think that's been hard for a lot of people to understand. We ARE people of faith...but we still prepared for any outcome this surgery might have brought. It was completely different being able to see the hard coming this time; the first time around we were blind sided by it all. Talk about coming full circle...

And speaking of FAITH, one of my best friends reminded me of Mark 2... Remember those men who brought the sick man on the mat... and since they couldn't get thru the crowd to Jesus, they actually cut a hole and lowered him on his mat thru the roof? They didn't know if Jesus would heal their friend, but they believed in Jesus, that He alone had the power to really save and heal... so much so that in desperation they dangled the guy from the ceiling! That's what I believe we've all done with Derek thru prayer; continuously dangled him before our Savior without reservation. People have been repeatedly bringing Derek before the Lord and begging for His help over the last 3 or 4 months...and we are so THANKFUL for all your prayers. It's truly amazing how many people have been genuinely concerned for this guy and been brought to their knees in prayer. To God be the glory, for real. I've never seen anything like this, and we're humbled that everyday people like us could be on the receiving end of such love.

I've been reading Psalm 89 and 91 over the last few grueling days; so much speaks to what this whole journey has been for us.

Psalm 89
"I will sing of the Lord's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known... You rule over the surging sea; when it's waves mount up, you still them... Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, O Lord. They rejoice in your name all day long; they exult in your righteousness. For you are their glory and SHIELD..."

So many people have told me they don't understand how we've held up thru this with such faith. I have no idea "how" either...I'm surprised myself really. But I can tell you that Christ is our foundation, and when the storm came and life fell apart, THAT was all that was left and we clung to it with all we had. I cannot imagine walking this road without it. And honestly, we didn't have to fear the reality of these circumstances... we could sing thru the tears. We knew wherever we landed, He would be with us and somehow we could bear it...

[no.matter.what]

Psalm 91
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty... He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your SHIELD and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys by midday... If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the Lord, who is my refuge -   then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent... He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him."

another wave in this storm

I wanted to give you all an update on Derek (I know, it's been awhile). We've been getting back into the routine of life...bathing kids, changing diapers, attempting to sometimes do a load of laundry or go to the store...you know, all the glamorous stuff. :\  It's been a slow road though and at times our patience has run pretty thin. I think it's just been hard for both of us since we're both on the mend now...me from my c-section and Derek from his plethora of medical mayhem. The last 3 months has just taken it's toll on us. It's crazy how we took for granted all the little things we used to do every day...it was all so much easier before. We're putting the pieces back together though, day by day really. We've actually had a lot (and I mean A LOT) of help from so many people...friends, our siblings, our church, our dads, and especially our moms. I wish we could do something to show how much we appreciate and love you all. It's so hard to be on the receiving end of all this. I'm not sure if it's guilt or pride or both...but it's hard to digest. It's definitely been humbling...that's for sure.

Most of you probably already know, but we welcomed a little baby boy into our family on April 3rd. He's so beautiful...and so so sweet. I'm so glad that God gave us this child in THIS moment of life. It's brought love and life and tenderness into the middle of all this...really keeping us from being able to focus too much on our own woes. Like I said before, God really does know what He's doing I guess :)

We named the little guy Rage Michael Gora, which I think might have surprised a few people.  Who names their kid RAGE?  Um, well, crazy people do I guess...and that's totally US. In our eyes though, life has been raging against us...this storm...this illness...all of it. I think at times it's felt to us like we're barely able to keep our heads above water, like we're treading water in the middle of the raging sea. So I guess we decided we're taking a piece of this mess with us...Rage...so we'll never forget where we've been or how we got thru it.  My brother actually sent me this verse after we had named him asking if this is where we got it from...Luke 8:24...it's when Jesus is asleep in the boat and his disciples are scared... "The disciples went and woke him, saying, 'Master, Master, we're going to drown!' He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm." I love it...it's so true...God spoke and the raging storm subsided.  Sounds familiar...that's OUR God :)

We're also on the brink of another big moment...on next Wednesday May 7 Derek is going to be having open heart surgery. We found out a few weeks after we left the hospital that Derek has a congenital heart defect that's gone un-diagnosed all these years, and is most likely the culprit in this whole debacle. After the dust settled from the first hospital stay...and by "dust" I mean respiratory failure, kidney failure, liver complications, internal bleeding, high fevers, pleural effusions, pericardial effusions, multiple blood transfusions, kidney dialysis, double pneumonia... After all THAT settled and we were back home, he started having pain and fevers again which landed him back in the hospital.  That's when they found pericarditis, endocarditis, an aneurysm and his heart defect.  Put all of that together and what do you get??? A GINORMOUS medical bill and open heart surgery :)

In all seriousness though, we've been a little teary and unsure this last week or so gearing up for this surgery. We're both nervous about this procedure and all that it entails.  It's something that gets done a lot, people bounce back from it just fine...but that doesn't make it any easier for US.  It's coming at the end of a long road and to be honest, neither of us really want him to have it done. But it's necessary for him to live...and we can't argue with that.

It's another wave in this storm...and we're really looking forward to being on the other side of all of this soon. One of my good friends sent me this song early on when Derek was still very sick... "Oceans".  It's been our heart-song as we prepare for this surgery.

Sing it and pray it with us...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBJJJkiRukY