Friday Feb. 21 - Still waiting this out

I see a lot of improvements in Derek. He's able to move around without a walker now and is actually eating a little. Most days we're even dressing him in regular clothes (comfy ones of course)...just to help him feel like a human being, not the specimen of a medical project. We were hoping for the doctors to stroll in and tell us they'd be sending us home soon during their rounds today, but that didn't happen. I guess there's a chance another infection is brewing; so here we sit, just waiting this out.

We'll continue to keep you posted. Please keep praying! God hears you and is answering. We've been told quite a few times that Derek shouldn't have made it thru...and it's completely a miracle and answer to your prayers that we've come this far. This situation makes Paul's words in Philippians 1:19 real to us ..."for I know that thru your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance." We BELIEVE that! 

Wed. Feb. 19 - Waiting

The last couple days have been a little encouraging...nothing else seems to have popped up on the negative side. Derek is still pain however, and we're waiting to see if it subsides. I'm a little frustrated that another fever seems to be brewing tonight; I was hoping we had moved passed that by now. He's still very weak and not able (or willing) to speak much, but those things will come in time. His body has been thru a major trauma and it takes a lot of energy for him to engage in conversations or activities like normal. Just to give you an example, having the tv on is something new...and if it is, most of the time the sound isn't even audible. He's not reading magazines or doing things to keep his mind busy like people who are typically on the mend in the hospital. His body still has some big-time healing to do. My guess is that it's because this illness has been all encompassing...it's a lot of pieces to put back together.

I did something CRAZY today. I got in a vehicle (chauffeured of course...thank you dad) and actually left this sick house. I made it back to lovely Valpo to run a few errands and to see my kids for a few minutes. It was hard for me to leave Derek's side, but I think it was healthy for me to get out and take a few small steps toward normalcy.

I was was listening to some music today on my drive and part of the song reminded me of a bible verse...so I planned to look it up when I got back to Derek's room. It's funny because I've noticed that God is always speaking directly to my situation or where I am at this moment and allowing me to share it with all of you. I was just wondering how often this was happening to me before I was in this tragic set of circumstances and actually 'looking for' and 'listening to' His voice...like God is/was always speaking but I was too consumed with myself or my life to even notice. Maybe that's true for all of us?

Anyway, here it is...talking about strength for the weary and faint...refer to paragraph 1 above...lol.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:28-31

One more thing...I just read this verse to Derek and he said he's been looking for it. It's one of his favorites (verse31). God is so good.

Monday Feb. 17 - Feeling hopeful

Things with Derek continue to improve. He had a procedure today to drain more fluid that's built up, and we're hopeful this will help move the healing process along. We are in the ICU again, but could be back in a regular room within a day or two if all goes well. 

It's actually a nice change of scenery to be here in the ICU (clearly we're looking at the bright side...lol). In all seriousness though, it feels like one step closer to HOME. That's a word I've been careful to say out loud. Derek has said a few times now..."I just want to go home"...and it practically breaks my heart every time. The poor guy is so sick of being poked and prodded and starved for these procedures. But he's taking it like a man...and the parts he can't, he's giving straight to God to carry for him.

I was was thinking about Psalm 43 again today and those verses that say "when you pass thru the waters...when you pass thru the rivers...when you walk thru the fire". It reminds me of what one of my mentors said to me years ago. He said the verse doesn't say IF you pass thru those times, but rather WHEN you pass thru those times. I guess I'm just pondering the fact that this life can be hard, hard like THIS, and God wants us to know he's with us..."everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made." That's us...me and Derek! And we just so happen to be very private people...that's why we don't really share a lot of the medical details or really want much shown on Facebook about Derek's personal health....not thats it's wrong, it's just not us. So I just wanted to say that sharing and writing about what God is teaching us is not at all comfortable. But we want to give God the glory for walking thru this with us. Our hearts haven't been perfect or pretty thru it all either. So please don't think we're saints. This is just our "when you walk" and we want to be those witnesses in this psalm that give him the glory for what He has done and is doing in our lives. So glory be to God, not us. 

Sat. Feb. 15 - The best day yet

I'm so thankful for today. It's been quiet here for the most part; Derek has had only one major issue so far today. And a day with only one negative is huge for him! A lot of his blood work is inching its way toward the better as well we're told. I'm hopeful this is a turn in the right direction and that nothing else in his body freaks. He's still in that intense pain and something is going on in there, but we're moving away from complete organ failure. Thank you for praying!

My heart is quiet today...taking a well needed rest. Since Derek hasn't needed much attention, I've actually spent most of my time napping (which I'm sure my mom will be happy to hear). At one point today he was sitting in the chair and I was in the hospital bed...lol. I guess it's my turn to crash.

Friday Feb. 14 - a few tough days, but moving forward

The last few days have been hard on Derek. He was looking good one day and then stumbled into another new complication. He's been in some pretty constant and terrible pain. He's been undergoing some specific testing, but as usual, things remain a mystery. Every test on this man shows nothing! We're trying to take it as good news that he doesn't have "this" or "that", but it's hard leaving so much unexplained. 

I think we're coming to the realization that we'll never get the answers we're looking for. God is leading us thru this, and though it seems like we're blindly wandering about, He knows right where we are headed and why. It feels like we're waiting on the next test and the next after that for these answers, but maybe we should be looking at it differently. Maybe He wants to use this situation and these desperate moments to do something else...something other than give us positive test results...lol. There's a good chance we might be here awhile longer; my hope is that we can stay focused on our God and not get so caught up in the madness of answers. God knows every fiber of Derek's being, from even before he was born. I can trust him with the timing and every aspect of Derek's healing. He doesn't need the results of a scan to see Derek thru...he's GOD. Our ultimate hope is in Him, not this hospital. I'm not poo-pooing medicine or these fabulous genius doctors either...I'm talking about our faith and our focus. Psalm 139:13-16 says "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you because I'm fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." I might need to read psalm 139 daily just to remind myself of how much God knows about Derek, myself and this situation. He's aware of EVERY detail...

Thursday. Feb. 13 - I will lift my eyes

The song we're singing this morning. Or actually, the one I am. Derek's a little quiet ... My prayer is that he can rest in these words.

I will lift my eyes...by Bebo Norman

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt...

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the calmer
Of the oceans raging wild

I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes
To You

God my God, let mercy sing
A melody over me
And God right here, all I bring
Is all of me

Wed. Feb 12 - Another day of highs and lows

We want you all to know how thankful we are for your prayers and words of encouragement. Seriously...your words hold us up. I read most of your comments and the scriptures you share to Derek in the mornings while we read and pray, and it's part of what gets us thru the day.

After a few days of him feeling and looking very ill, today he has some good color and a bit of strength...which I'm hoping are signs of better days ahead. He had a procedure last night that will hopefully relieve some of the pain he's experiences when he breathes. But for today, he's very sore and in more pain than before. Derek has also not been able to sleep since the ventilator was removed...which was days ago. So please be praying that he could actually get some rest. It's frustrating for him and not helpful as far as healing goes.

Its funny how fast things change here...really it's by the half hour. I started writing this post this morning, and we had some good news and felt relief...! And then a few hours later something else arose and here we are switching gears again...back to the HARD. We're trying to just roll with the punches, resting in God's grace when we can and trying not to look too far ahead. But these moments weigh heavy. It's hard on the heart going from one emotional extreme to the other.

Earlier today God sent two amazing, godly men to see us...one of our pastors and our worship leader came up to love on us and offer encouragement. Derek even got to experience a little of the Sunday morning worship he's been missing...Kurt brought his guitar and we lit this room up :) It's only the 2nd time I've seen true joy on Derek's face since this whole thing started (the other was yesterday when he saw our kids for the first time).

With that said, we still need big prayers tonight. There's the possibility of a procedure tmrw that Derek does not want to do. We've been told that under normal circumstances it's a quick and easy one...but some of Derek's health issues complicate things.  

Monday Feb. 10th: This journey is HARD

My Mom is pestering me for an update (love you mom) ... she must be getting lots of texts! I guess I've been putting this off in hopes I would have some really good news to share. We've come so far, and I'm so grateful to God that Derek is off that ventilator, out of the ICU, and that I can hear his voice again. That's a huge step forward...HUGE. In fact, the first day or two off the ventilator it really seemed like we were making progress...like the end of all this was in our sights.

But this is week 3 and my Derek is still very sick, the fevers will not stop, and we're all still looking for answers. (Sounds like a repeat, I know.) When one organ seems to be on the mend, another one starts having issues. And now Derek's awake and struggling thru this physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This journey is HARD. It's hard not seeing our kids...it's hard knowing they don't have us tucking them in every night. It's hard watching Derek suffer. It's hard watching him get lost in all this. I don't mean to be over dramatic...but this is reality for us at this moment.

We were having a desperate moment tonight in this hospital room...Derek, his mom, and I. So we started speaking truth out loud and praying...that He that is in us, is bigger than this...that the everlasting arms are wrapped around Derek...he need not fear...begging for healing and relief for Derek.

It's strange because a few days ago I was thinking we'd be at a different spot on this journey...or that Derek hurting wouldn't be so much a part of it. 

So here we sit, listening to our iPod, grabbing onto our faith and surviving on the words of songs that point to our God. Please be praying for us, it's hard to wait. But God is asking us to.

Friday Feb. 7 - Thankful

We have much to be thankful for today! Derek is breathing without the ventilator and is getting more alert and coherent with each passing hour. He still has a lot of healing to do, but we are praising God to have Derek awake for the fight!

I have to admit that I feel very guarded in allowing myself to take that big sigh of relief that so many feel right now. We are still in the ICU, and there are many unknowns at this point. But God IS smiling on us today...so many blessings and special moments that I wasn't so sure we would ever get to have together again. Thank you all for praying for us and calling out to God on our behalf...Derek is overwhelmed by the love and support.

I've been thinking a lot about the reality that my healthy, strong husband (who never gets sick or weak or beaten by anything) has been on life support for the last 11 days. I'm just trying to wrap my brain around how we got here. God keeps bringing to mind that He is our sustainer...Isaiah 46:3-4 "Listen to me...you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you, I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." What hope we have in Him. Life is hard, sometimes very hard, but God has been there carrying us from the beginning...he doesn't just show up when things get tough. I may not see those tubes coming from Derek's mouth to a ventilator anymore...but that doesn't mean he's not on life support. There is a sustaining, carrying, Rescuer upholding us daily that we don't even see!

Feb 6th - God hears our cries!

Good morning everyone, this is Jen Martakis. Dannette asked me to share another update with you...Derek's blood pressure is doing well and the doctors have taken him off the ventilator. He is breathing on his own and is awake and aware. We are praising God and so thankful for this step in healing! Derek is still battling internal issues and is very sick. Please continue to pray for Derek, his doctors and the family through this process. Pray BIG and praise Him! He is listening!